Six Weeks On…

It’s been six weeks now since we went into lockdown. I haven’t managed to write regular posts during this time as I had first intended but I thought now seems a good time to look back over these extraordinary weeks. Perhaps this will just be my reflection on this moment in time; maybe I’ll find I’m interweaving some theological reflection, or perhaps it will just give the stimulus for you to do your own reflecting. I don’t know yet. There is so much going through my mind at the moment that I am not sure where to start. Perhaps this will need to be more than one blog post.

It’s a strange thing living through something so momentous – knowing something of the magnitude of what’s going on around the world and yet finding one’s time filled with the everyday tasks that seem to take inordinately longer than they did before. It’s extraordinary how quickly perspective and expectation change. Last week, I actually called my husband into the room in excitement because I had managed to get a click and collect grocery slot! I was genuinely excited that I had managed to book a slot and that I could just order my food online and pop down and pick it up. Something I had scarcely given any thought to previously, it was just something I took for granted.

There have been moments in the last six weeks when the situation has seemed overwhelming. Everything changed so suddenly. My Husband’s work disappeared overnight; church services were suspended and then the buildings closed; children are home full time and GCSE’s are cancelled – the newly purchased prom dress is hanging redundant in the wardrobe! Holidays are cancelled and so much else is put on hold.

In the evenings I would sit down and watch the Daily Briefings and the News. At times it all just felt rather surreal – too much to take in. And yet there was no escaping how real it was as the devastating impact of Covid 19 began to affect those we knew.

There have also been times of unexpected joy. Times sat in the garden in the beautiful April sun gently swaying on the swing seat, listening to the bird song, savouring the irrepressible signs of Spring blossoming in the garden; or walking in the evening along the harbour awestruck by the tranquillity and vastness of the sunset; and precious moments spent with family. Never before have we all been together for so many meals!

And social media! It really has been both a blessing and a curse. It is truly amazing the ways in which we have been able to connect, share stories, ideas, and engage together. And yet at times I have also found it overwhelming and exhausting. My Facebook stream is full of the amazing things other clergy are doing to connect with their community. On a good day it might inspire me and give me ideas to explore in my context. On other days it can highlight all we haven’t yet managed to do, thereby serving to create a sense of inadequacy. Sometimes social media has seemed encouraging, sometimes competitive and sometimes just a place for people to argue about whether the Archbishops were right to close our churches. It can be exhausting.

With the passage of time reflections on this extraordinary period are likely to change. Yet there is something about capturing the essence of the experience whilst in the midst of it, such as the conflicting emotions; the intensity of enforced isolation yet at the same time the experience of being constantly within a busy household; the moments of joy and encouragement and the moments of despair and desolation. I’ve experienced the propensity to move between these and other states in the blink of an eye.

Our experiences of lockdown will be varied. Yet each of us will have been affected by the past few weeks – perhaps in ways not yet really known. I have found it quite difficult to reflect from within the midst of the experience. I seem to have been quite immersed in just adjusting and responding to the changing circumstances, adapting to a new ‘normal’ whatever that means! I know going forward there will need to be time to take stock, to reflect and process. But right now, I am just living through it. Learning to adapt. Some good days and others not so good. Many a mixture of ups and downs, frustrations and joys.

So, here is just a snippet of some of the ups and downs of the last few weeks. Let’s start with the challenges – in no particular order.

• Home schooling whilst still trying to work full time. To be honest I think this would be a challenge even if I weren’t working.

• Trying to keep the house tidy. I’ve given up with this. There won’t be any visitors anyway!

• Coming to terms with the number of events, both church and personal, that have had to be postponed or cancelled.

• Spending hours on the telephone, sending emails and on Zoom calls. I am grateful that we have been able to do this, but it is not without its challenges!

• 3 of our courgette plants and 4 lettuces have been eaten!

And the ups!

• I just ran for 20 minutes! I didn’t think that would be possible a couple of weeks ago when I was struggling with 5 minute runs. But 5 weeks into `couch to 5k’ and I actually kept going. I even quite enjoyed it – listening to the ‘Best Worship Songs for Church Ever’ as I ran up and down the church carpark!!

• I have finished my first crochet blanket and I am rather proud of it.

• Family quizzes on a Sunday afternoon with a growing group of extended family. I was pleased this Sunday to be able to answer a question which began ‘In the Bible….’. It’s always a worry when there is a question you are supposed to know the answer to and don’t have a clue. For example, on one of the previous weeks I could only call to mind one of the two types of birds sent out from Noah’s Ark. I knew I knew the answer, but just couldn’t quite recall it.

• We have achieved more than I could have imagined possible with our online services. I have learnt so much (with a lot of help from Nick – thank you). We even went live for our raffle draw! It really was quite fun and such a fantastic response from everyone. Thank you.

• Singing! I have been singing more and loving it. Up until 5 years ago I had always sung in choirs and regularly sung around the house. For various reasons I had been singing less. When Nick suggested we ask Jeff to record backing tracks for the hymns and then add the lyrics ourselves I was a little sceptical but agreed to give it a go. When we began, I was horrified to discover how often I was needing to take a breath and how little power I had. Six weeks on and I can feel the difference. I can often get to the end of a line without having to take a breath in the middle! I had almost forgotten what a positive effect singing can have on the way we feel. As a teenager I can remember spending hours singing along to ‘The Best of the Musicals’ CDs, it was my form of relaxation. I always felt better having sung at the top of my voice. Beyond this time, I am determined to keep singing. I might even have a few lessons!

Having thought about some of the ups and downs in this way has actually been surprisingly helpful and not really where I had intended to go in this piece. When I thought about the `ups’ I found myself smiling and having to choose what to include.

I am reminded of a kind of prayer I have often found invaluable. The `Examen’ or ‘The Review of the Day’. Spending a few moments looking back over the day; acknowledging the things that have been hard; holding them in God’s presence; asking him to shine the light of his love in those particular places; and noticing, even if it is just one thing, what you would like to give thanks for.  

I am going to leave you with some words from a book that I have found tremendously helpful and one which I return to time and time again – Margaret Silf’s  ‘Taste and See’:

‘If you don’t have the time to, or energy to replay your whole day like this, try noticing ‘just one thing’ that you would like to say thank your for. I can remember going to work one morning. The office was in a very desolate and run down part of Manchester. I was feeling depressed in myself, and dreading the day ahead. As I walked from the station, through the grim backstreets, and past derelict and half demolished buildings, my physical surroundings seemed to be echoing back my own mood to me. Then all at once, as I walked along, head down, hoping not to be mugged as I went, I noticed a glorious clump of clover blooming triumphantly among the rubble, and a huge bumble bee, gathering nectar from it in this, the most unpromising place it was possible to imagine. That was my ‘just one thing’ to thank God for that day, and I have never forgotten that somehow, somewhere, there is always a clump of clover among the rubble of our lives, if we open our eyes to see as God sees. (Margaret Silf, Taste and See, 1999)